Taking the Edge Off

Okay, it has been a long while since the routine installments of the *What the Fuck is Going on With the World* blogs. And it is indeed time to renew the tradition.

It has gotten really cold in hell…I mean in Cedar City, Utah. By cold, I mean that last night's lovely weather required me to wear a winter coat, scarf, and hat. There is no heat in my apartment. There is a mechanism of air ducts and a thermostat through which one would assume warmth would be released, but alas, no heat. So, yesterday I called Company Management.

Now, calling Company Management is like sitting at a craps table that is run by an autistic dealer with bouts of turrets (sp?)syndrome. You really never know what will happen.

A lovely young man answered the phone and directed me to call the manager of the building. We'll call him Bob. The manager has the same last name as the facilities manager who I deal with on a regular basis. We will call him Joe.

I say: Do you mean Joe?
No, I mean his brother Bob.
I say: Oh that's so funny.
What's so funny about it? I'm Bob's son and Joe is my uncle.
I say. Does your sister run concessions?

Silence.
Okay, thanks! I'll call Bob. I hate Utah.

Bob gives me the following information. The heat is not going to work until it gets cold. The fact that it is currently cold is meaningless because it will get warm again before it ACTUALLY gets cold. But, I should be assured that he checks the weather reports often and the boilers will be turned on once the cold is here to stay.

Great…so BOB what am I supposed to do right now during the FAKE cold front that is causing icicles to form on my nose while I sleep? There are polar bears trying to mate with my cat BOB!

He tells me to check my linen closet because there should be a space heater in there for just such an emergency. That should "take the edge off". Hollywood!

I run to the closet looking for one of those awesome radiators on wheels that you plug into the wall and Wamo! Hot air!

Instead there is a small box…no it is not larger than a breadbox…in fact it is smaller than a toaster. It is a tiny little white box with a short cord that will CLEARLY provide heat to an entire three-bedroom apartment. Not to mention the fact that it emits a noise that makes you wonder if it is about to sprout wings and fly around the apartment. I should work on that…at least the heat would spread.

Pajamas make me crazy. I hate pajamas. You cannot swish in pajamas. You know…swish…when you flail around to get comfortable under the covers. Pajamas get all fucked up when you swish. Suddenly you are a badly wrapped buritto with fabric turned all around on you…your pants are twirled around your legs, your t-shirt is pulled over your head…okay maybe I sleep strangely, but nonetheless…I HATE pajamas. Last night I slept in a tank top, long sleeve shirt, hooded fleece lined sweatshirt, pants and socks. SOCKS people! And the little white box of doom did not take the EDGE OFF.

Today is 76 degrees. Bob was right. It did get warm today. Thank god that was just fake cold. Perhaps Company Management will send out a memo so I know when I am actually allowed to feel cold…maybe then I will get a good night sleep.

Grr Hiss Boo.