The Wedding is Cancelled

My Day Off In Wal-Mart

Today I set off to Wal-Mart in Cedar City, Utah. Now, the last time I went to a Wal-Mart was to perform an exorcism on the cash registers. No, I'm not kidding. Check out Reverend Billy and The Church of Stop Shopping…you might learn something.
Pulling into the parking lot I was feeling very hypocritical as my Pontiac with the bumper sticker that reads "Wal-Mart, Low wages, Low morals, Always" pulled into the parking spot.

But, remember I was on a mission. If you are confused, please read my previous posting called "I'm Getting Married in Wal-Mart". I had a list. Now I certainly did not plan to actually buy anything…clearly I would not give any of my hard earned cash to those fuckers...but I digress. The list: Toilet paper, socks, condoms, and guns. In one of those aisles would be the man of my dreams.

As I entered and tried desperately not to make eye contact with anyone in a blue vest or with a smiley face pin, my dyslexia freaked out a little bit and I slowly became very lost. After wandering though many aisles of crap, I found the toilet paper aisle…and there he was. He was tall, dressed in flannel and wore a cowboy hat that made his head look like a pea. I excused myself as I reached seductively in front of him and he says "Be careful, that one leaves extra lint in your butt".

Thanks for the tip. Moving along.

The sock aisle was lame. A woman with the Utah claw bangs chased around her twelve screaming kids. My head hurts. Moving along.

Now off to protect myself. Where are the condoms…wander…wander…holy shit there's a lot of crap in this store…wander…okay I'm gonna have to talk to a blue vested boob.

"Excuse me where are the condoms?"

The portly girl in the vest turned green and stuttered something that sounded like "uuuh smuhh dat vey mmmbuh". This is going well. Ah, behind a counter lie the condoms because Mormons must be kept far away from birth control. But, the boy behind the counter is mildly cute. Here we go.

"Hi. How are you? I'm gonna need some condoms. Um…some really big ones…and maybe some small ones too…cause you never really know. You know what I mean?" *wink.

Silence. Eye contact lost. Passengers, please fasten your seatbelts, the Mormon is going down.

More silence. Mmmkay. "The girl in the sock aisle needs them." Silence. No condoms. No boy of my dreams. Moving along.

Guns. Yeah baby. I will surely find a hottie in the gun section. Indeed there was a sea of wedding ringed men checking out guns and gun paraphernalia. I must have looked out of place because the man behind the counter said "Can I help you find something for your husband or your son?"

I look over my shoulder. Nothing. Try the other shoulder. Nope. Umm…is he talking to me? Yep. I explain that I don't have a husband or a son. The he asks HOW OLD I AM because I seem a little OLD to be single. As my jaw hits the floor, he invites me to a WARD event.

OH MY ACHING HEAD. I am starting to sweat. I have avoided lint in my ass, freaked out some undersexed locals, and ended my day by being called an Old Maid.

"That's so nice of you. My lesbian lover will be really excited to make some new friends. See you Saturday".

I took off running. I ran all the way through the maze to my car. I screeched out of the parking lot, past the Starbucks, and across town where I sit in my favorite local coffee shop.

Wow, days off in this town have officially atrophied my brain. I guess I am not getting married in Wal-Mart. Ho Hum.